Dedicated to George Carlin
The late, great George Carlin once did a bit on suicide.
Forgive me to anyone who reads this and might have lost someone to such a tragedy, I mean absolutely nothing by it. Hope this suffices as a disclaimer.
The punchline in George’s theatrical display of mortality was, “where do people find the time?!” We all have “shit to do” as he puts it, so where does someone find enough time to kill themselves? Granted the skit was only done three or four years ago, with social media well on its way to the growing heights of its popularity, but what would we say now? With Facebook, Twitter and every other social application we rely on to say the same exact thing in 90 different forms to one another, it makes me think how hard taking your life might be. You really have a lot of shit to think about now. I imagine a conversation going something like this.
Ring, ring, ring….
Me: What’s up man?
Friend: Shit, chillen, you?
Me: Same. What’s going on?
Friend: Nothing. I’m going to kill myself.
Friend: Yea. I thought about it and I’m gonna do it this time.
Me: Damn man, that sucks.
Friend: Yea, I guess.
Me: Well, are you gonna call anyone after me?
Friend: I dunno, why?
Me: Because I really don’t wanna be the last person you speak to. I don’t think I could handle the responsibility.
Me: Yea, then there’s gonna be weirdness between me and your family. Everyone’s gonna stare at me during the funeral and talk about me, like, “That’s the kid. He knows.” Just awkward, you know?
Friend: I guess your right. I’ll probably call someone after you.
Me: Can you call a few people? The cops are probably gonna wanna talk to the last few people you spoke with.
Friend: WTF? Sure, if that’s what you’re worried about.
Me: Thanks man, I appreciate it. So you’ve thought this through?
Friend: Yea, fuck it, I’m doing it.
Me: Hmmm…Are you gonna tweet it?
Friend: Do you think I should?
Me: Yea, you gotta right? I mean what the hell, there’s 200 people following you that deserve to know. They’ve put their time in too.
Friend: Shit, fine. I don’t know what to write though. I mean, I have a note, but I can’t shrink that to 140 characters.
Me: Make it short and to the point. No one reads past the first line anyway. You should probably make it memorable though.
Friend: Jesus Christ, I’m gonna have to think about this some more.
Me: And are you gonna hashtag it?
Friend: Hashtag? Really!?
Me: Yea man. This is a pretty monumental thing you’re doing, it deserves a hashtag.
Friend: Fuck! Now I gotta think of that too. I never hashtag.
Me: Well you’re gonna be a hashtagging motherfucker now. You should probably do some research and make sure no one is trending it too. You want this for yourself.
Friend: Uggggh, great. Can you do it?
Me: Na man. I don’t wanna be involved.
Friend: How’s #fuckyoupeople
Me: Might make the news.
Friend: Hmm, I was kinda hoping to at least make the local channels. I’ll think about it.
Me: And Facebook. What’s your last status gonna be?
Friend: Goddammit Facebook!!! Always something with this thing.
Me: Yea, fucking hate Facebook, but you gotta do it.
Friend: Any ideas?
Me: Well you don’t wanna do something morbid or depressing. No one likes reading those and you probably won’t get any comments on it. Funny is probably out at this point, not sure people are gonna get it.
Friend: True, I’ll probably go with something witty and suspenseful, keep em hanging on the edge.
Me: Love the use of metaphors man! Now you’re thinking. You gonna tag any of your ex’s in it? Because that shit would be funny. Let them deal with that!
Friend: Well I always thought that bitch that gave me herpes deserved something, maybe this is it.
Me: Hahaha yea, I don’t know what you were thinking about with her. What ever happened to her anyway?
Friend: I don’t know, she supposedly went to school and…wait! You’re supposed to be helping me out here.
Me: Right, right, didn’t mean to get off topic.
Friend: Should this status be long or short?
Me: I’d keep it relatively short. Two lines max, no ones got the time to listen to more than that.
Friend: Christ, alright. I’ll add it to the list.
Me: You gonna check-in before you do it?
Me: Yea, Foursquare it. You’re gonna check-in, right?
Friend: I didn’t even think about it. Didn’t seem to make much sense.
Me: It makes total sense. What if you get a badge for it or something? You’re close to the next superuser and this could be the big one.
Friend: True, I always wanted that one too. They stopped counting the check-ins at the 7-11.
Me: Of course, you’re already the super mayor. What else do you want from them?
Friend: Shit man, I was gonna do it at home though.
Me: Well is you’re house an option?
Friend: I don’t know, let me check…..No.
Me: Then you gotta create one.
Friend: Fuck! That shit takes forever and I don’t know what the cross street would be, I live in a damn coldesac!
Me: Yea, it’s mad complicated. You’re gonna have to though, it’s only fair to everyone.
Friend: WTF? I’m gonna be dead!
Me: Stop being so selfish man! You can’t be thinking about yourself at a time like this. Think about me and all the other people that took the time to friend you and showed you all the mind-numbing locations we were at. Do you think I like telling you I’m at the You Have a Friend AA Meeting at the First Baptist Church weekday evenings? No. I do it because I have to.
Friend: Do I write in a comment about it?
Me: That’s gonna take some thought. You gotta figure out if you’re gonna share it on Twitter and Facebook. With the other posts, an improper integration could throw off your whole communication plan.
Friend: Holy shit this complicated! There’s a comm plan to all of this?
Me: Always man. Always.
Friend: Well I don’t want to spoil it or take away any credibility from the others. Fuck! I’m so confused.
Me: Anything worth doing is worth doing right. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Friend: Goddammit. So what are you up to tonight?
Me: Going to happy hour with a few people then out. You wanna come?
Friend: Yea. Fuck this shit man, I give up.